Butterfly Brain

 

“This cruel age has deflected me,
like a river from this course. 
 ~Anna Akhmatova

Anyone who follows my blog or my Chimera Poetry page will notice that I have gone dormant. If not silent – then at the least very, very quiet. Book editing can be blamed for some of it. New book writing can be also. But the actual problem is my brain. A condition I call butterfly brain, where it darts all over rarely lighting on one thing long enough to take form. I leave bits of shadowy shreds all about but nothing you can hold, nothing to pick up to look closer at or press between the pages of a book.

 I recently heard a phrase that I thinks sums it all up – “outrage fatigue”.

The news batters at me daily – and at everyone else I imagine. 

My country has lost its collective mind. Atrocities, blatant lies, shootings, children in cages, suicides, every kind of phobic-ism imaginable, racism apparently become respectable….we have been pushed back 300 years and I shudder to think how long this may last – and how much farther we may de-evolve. Although throwing rocks at each other may be an improvement…

 

I find myself deeply unsettled and unsatisfied with merely mouthing platitudes to try and express my stew of emotions.

So…I am digging deep inside and scooping up a handful of my poor battered soul rubble hopeful to find some glint of gold under close examination. A small scrap of something precious to share. Something real. I want definitive and comprehensive. I want a magic list with the magic lamp and the requisite 3 wishes (listed in correct order, preferably bullet pointed) that can sort the world out.

I want so badly to be part of the solution, but I don’t know how.  Which part, which solution?  And off my butterfly brain goes again, skittish and too nervous to sit anywhere for long.

 

Why have we become so furious? Why does rage overflow over everything? A TWEET for heaven’s sake – have you ever heard of anything more benign? Yet the trolls and hate mongers patrol those shores like vicious alligators ready to pounce…and are there in a flash.

Dare to disagree with anyone over anything…..instant conflagration.

 

Where is the turning point? What finally be enough? When will the world will right itself and let us go back to living? Will it? Will we?

 

I don’t know.

I do not know.

I can’t fix this, I wouldn’t even know how to try. It all went so horribly, horribly wrong…seemingly overnight. 

(Truth be told, I fear it wasn’t that fast. The horror movie that terrifies you at first….gets diluted each time you see it. You start to see traces of a zipper up the monsters back. Or maybe the actor has just come out of rehab and you read the story and that’s what you are thinking about instead of the carnage on the screen.)

 

 Maybe the virtuality of it makes it easier….keeping that filmy barrier of not quite real, not quite personal enough, fluttering between us and acceptance.

 

Or God help us, perhaps we are becoming immune.

 

©jayetomas2018

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About chimerapoet

I write. I write a lot. A. LOT. There are times I am half blind with a sentence ricocheting off the walls of my stupid, cant be shut off to save my life, brain. I am miserable until I get it down on paper. Punch it up a bit. Usually cross out half of it. And then breathe. Relax. Only to do it all again..... But I just thought that was me. How I am. Not a writer....noooo...not me. Writers are.....writing people. People Who Write. REALLY write. Write things that matter. All grown up very important things. Not.....me. I am just a scribbler of sorts. And I was/am content with that....if it's true, well then....a scribbler am I. Until the thought wormed its way in to my brain (the furtive sneaky bitch) that maybe...just maybe...that is writing. My style. My strange way. But....still writing. So here I am at the dance. Not sure I know any of the moves and the music is entirely mine. But.....only one way to find out. Would you care to join me?
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7 Responses to Butterfly Brain

  1. Lori R. Lopez says:

    So that’s what it’s called. Butterfly Brain. I like it. That’s where I’m at too, Jaye. And for much the same reasons. Still rather stunned. Still hoping this is all a tasteless joke, surprise! Or better still, a dream. Because it can’t be real. Can’t be the truth. Oh yes, I can relate. ❤

    • chimerapoet says:

      This was not a very erudite post – I just put it all out there exactly how I am feeling it. A mish mash. I can only hope that somehow we can open up a dialogue and get Real Talk and Real News and pop this insanity bubble that’s encasing everything. It makes NO SENSE. I cannot wrap my head around it. But the worrying thing is that this “outrage fatigue” (which is a brilliant phrase by the way) makes it easier for the machinations and the lies to continue. Because people give up don’t they? It’s like punching jello. In the meantime children and people are suffering. And while we are distracted – heaven knows what is being slipped past us.

      • Lori R. Lopez says:

        You said what needs to be said, Jaye. We all must, in our way, for this is something that cannot be accepted and allowed to be normal. If we don’t speak up, it is going to get worse and worse! I think “outrage fatigue” sums up how this makes me feel as well. It is exhausting and distracting and perplexing and extremely frustrating. Each day I think, what is going on??? Why can’t they prevent these mind-boggling distortions? Why are they allowing the U.S. Government to be stolen and dismantled and sold for scrap to the highest bidders? The world is suffering. This affects every corner, under every leaf. Or will soon enough. Each day we have no idea how much damage they are doing, only that it is being done with unbelievable speed. Yet we mustn’t give up, we must not grow tired and stop caring. Every voice gives me hope. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your emotions. They are important. And we are not alone. We are many. ❤

      • chimerapoet says:

        so important to remember your last 2 sentences: “And we are not alone. We are many. ❤” many thanks lovely lady.

  2. Sometimes I think I don’t belong anywhere in this world that has become so… foreign to me. crisis situations, atrocities, poverty, suffering. And there is nothing, as an individual, that I can do.Except… not accept that this is, will always be, the norm. Someone once said to me that we can only look after our side of the street. But surely we must see more than that? I believe that, with effort and belief in the goodness in most people, we will prevail. Those who are “in charge” of our countries may, in their “wisdom” cause havoc and chaos but we are all individuals and, as such, must create ripples, however tiny to begin with, of hope and peace Hmm.. writing this has brought me full circle. Thank you for a quiet moment of reflection, Jaye.. I hope you find your own hope and will start, once again, to produce lovely words, ❤

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