“This cruel age has deflected me,
like a river from this course. ~Anna Akhmatova
Anyone who follows my blog or my Chimera Poetry page will notice that I have gone dormant. If not silent – then at the least very, very quiet. Book editing can be blamed for some of it. New book writing can be also. But the actual problem is my brain. A condition I call butterfly brain, where it darts all over rarely lighting on one thing long enough to take form. I leave bits of shadowy shreds all about but nothing you can hold, nothing to pick up to look closer at or press between the pages of a book.
I recently heard a phrase that I thinks sums it all up – “outrage fatigue”.
The news batters at me daily – and at everyone else I imagine.
My country has lost its collective mind. Atrocities, blatant lies, shootings, children in cages, suicides, every kind of phobic-ism imaginable, racism apparently become respectable….we have been pushed back 300 years and I shudder to think how long this may last – and how much farther we may de-evolve. Although throwing rocks at each other may be an improvement…
I find myself deeply unsettled and unsatisfied with merely mouthing platitudes to try and express my stew of emotions.
So…I am digging deep inside and scooping up a handful of my poor battered soul rubble hopeful to find some glint of gold under close examination. A small scrap of something precious to share. Something real. I want definitive and comprehensive. I want a magic list with the magic lamp and the requisite 3 wishes (listed in correct order, preferably bullet pointed) that can sort the world out.
I want so badly to be part of the solution, but I don’t know how. Which part, which solution? And off my butterfly brain goes again, skittish and too nervous to sit anywhere for long.
Why have we become so furious? Why does rage overflow over everything? A TWEET for heaven’s sake – have you ever heard of anything more benign? Yet the trolls and hate mongers patrol those shores like vicious alligators ready to pounce…and are there in a flash.
Dare to disagree with anyone over anything…..instant conflagration.
Where is the turning point? What finally be enough? When will the world will right itself and let us go back to living? Will it? Will we?
I don’t know.
I do not know.
I can’t fix this, I wouldn’t even know how to try. It all went so horribly, horribly wrong…seemingly overnight.
(Truth be told, I fear it wasn’t that fast. The horror movie that terrifies you at first….gets diluted each time you see it. You start to see traces of a zipper up the monsters back. Or maybe the actor has just come out of rehab and you read the story and that’s what you are thinking about instead of the carnage on the screen.)
Maybe the virtuality of it makes it easier….keeping that filmy barrier of not quite real, not quite personal enough, fluttering between us and acceptance.
Or God help us, perhaps we are becoming immune.