You have this…THING…inside you,
this oxygen for your starving screaming brain.
So you write.
and then you write some more
and then some kind people do what they do best and are
to you and you write write write
you have a book.
And you pat yourself on the back because this is cool.
Really very cool.
“I have written a book!” you crow. It was easy!”
And at that precise moment satan lifts his pointy ears and says (in a booming satan-like voice which I am pretty sure he has to borrow because he’s old and rickety by now and red for Heavens…oops…sake and lets face it Sean Connery he ain’t)
“LET THERE BE EDITING”.
and in the blink of an eye you morph into a muppet. Not a famous, interesting one with your own line of clothes and a movie or two under your puppetine belt…..
Just a mindless bundle of dusty yarn. Laying there on the floor.
whimpering a little….
One who couldn’t remember a basic rule of English if you PAID her. Or dangled Godiva chocolate in front of her. Or both.
I before e……….but ..what?
It doesn’t look right.
Past tense? Present tense? How should I know….I just write it I don’t analyse it…
So, you find and commission an (music swell) Editor.
and if you are very very lucky, they “get” you and are kind.
They fix your grammar and your punctuation and things like “laying there on the floor” *see above* become LYING. All tidied up and proper.
And they do this without making you feel even more of a muppet (or would that be less…?) than you already feel.
So you brighten up a little and think maybe it isn’t too bad after all….
and then the little pointy eared bastard speaks again,
“LET THERE BE MARKETING.”
What in the hell is a Street Team? Where I grew up, if you were on a street team you played hockey in the middle of a street. And if another “team” (most call them gangs but lets not quibble with internet lingo, we’ll save that for another rant) came over you chased them. If you were the Captain of a street team you were the first one to throw a punch.
And what is a Beta Reader? Are the lesser wolves reading now? The Alphas won’t let them do any of the fun stuff so they just stay home and read sulkily in the den?
How do you get these teams and readers? Is there a .com for it, a list on twitter or some hidden website that only The Cool Kids know how to find?
I have written a book. (it still thrills me and shocks me in equal measure) and am in that last agonizing lap before approval of (another music swell) The Proof Copy.
and now I have to figure out what to do.
Begging “OMGOMGOMG please please please buy my book..” isn’t much of a strategy so I’m trying to expand it a little.
if you know where that hidden website is, could you drop me a line? Make it a private one and the Cool Kids won’t know it was you.
See you soon, I’m going back to the den to finish a few more chapters…….